There’s one word that people need to get better at saying.

It could have more of an impact than focusing on what you eat. It could lead to more dramatic changes to your fitness than your exercise routine. It could even have more benefits than getting to bed on time.

So what is this word that people should be saying? It’s the word “No”.

One of the most common issues I see with clients is their inability to say no. They’re constantly taking on too many things and find themselves overwhelmed without a moment to relax.

This is combined with the hyperactivity of the world that we now live in. Working with 15 or 20 tabs open on a laptop, trying to finish an email while working on a proposal while your phones beeping and telling you about an update on Facebook or Instagram.

Our attention is already stretched by this constant intrusion. This is then mixed with a desire to do more and more and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Broadly speaking I can often break people who need to say “no” more, into two categories.

The first are those who put everyone else’s needs before their own. They are constantly helping out other people. They are the agony aunt that everyone in the group comes to when they are having problems in their life.

Or they are completely and utterly doting on their kids; making meals, taking them to sports and lessons, helping with homework. All the while they are still doing a full time job. So while they prioritise food and exercise and enjoyment for their kids, that priority doesn’t apply to them.

So really no matter what is happening in their life, or how they are feeling, if someone asks for help they say yes.

The second category is those who are “driven” and are taking on more and more to further their “life/career”. They feel they are indestructible and if they put their mind to it, they are going to achieve anything.

So they are working a demanding job and doing it with a smile. They are also going back to school or creating a project on the side. Maybe they are retraining as a fitness instructor or furthering their current career by doing a Masters or PhD. Or they have other activities in their life that is considered a “must”. Like training for a marathon and training to the point of exhaustion.

The belief here is that I’m strong and I’m going to get through this with sheer willpower often mixed with a bit of an “I’ll show them” attitude.

In both cases at the core of this issue is a feeling of “not enough-ness”. In scenario one they don’t feel as though they are important enough to be looked after so instead they focus on everyone else. Kind of like “if I can look after everyone else, then maybe I’ll be more deserving of being taken care of”. But because they are constantly focused on everyone else, the self-care never happens.

In scenario two, the way of getting over the feeling of “not enough-ness” is showing themselves (and the world) how much they can do. When they achieve x, then they can feel enough but before then, they haven’t proved themselves worthy of this feeling. But because things are always relative, no matter how much they achieve, this becomes the new level. So it doesn’t provide the satisfaction and so the goal posts keep changing.

I will say that this is not always true, that it doesn’t always come from a lack of feeling enough. For some people they just haven’t stopped to think about what really is doable. They don’t even notice that they put everyone else first until it is pointed out. Or they genuinely aren’t good at accessing how much they can fit into their day and how much it will take out of them.

But with the people I typically work with, I feel like this is the minority. A lack of quiet and harmony at their core is driving their behaviours.

With these clients, it typically has to get to the point of burn out or total exhaustion before they finally stop. For months (or years) the body has been giving feedback and indications that things aren’t right. This noise has got louder and louder but still it’s been ignored or not registered.

Finally things hit breaking point and the body says, “enough is enough”. And people find themselves totally exhausted in bed or plagued with a long list of disparate symptoms that makes no sense to them (or their doctor).

In the same way that it’s now common that people go into financial debt and borrow on credit cards, they do the same with their body. But you can only borrow for so long before your body decides to call in these debts. And rest (which is now forced upon someone) is how they pay this off.

I want people learn to stop well before this point. It shouldn’t take complete exhaustion, or even just ill health, for someone to realise they are doing too much. So I have a couple of suggestions to help.

The first is to stop comparing yourself to others. It’s too easy to look at what others are doing or achieving and feeling like you come up short. In reality, you never really know what is going on in someone’s life and your comparisons are rarely accurate or helpful. Focus on your life, not what everyone else is doing.

Start to incorporate practices into your daily life that help to give back to your body instead of constantly taking more out. Something like mediation would be one of the first things that comes to mind. Prioritise a practice where, even if it is just 10 minutes a day, you make meditation something that you stick to and is non-negotiable. Something like Headspace or Calm are good options I use with clients.

Stop valuing busyness. We live in a time where we feel the need to be doing things non-stop. We equate busyness with success and “getting things done”. But so much of what we spend our time being busy on is irrelevant. Or worse, it drains us and means when we are doing the important stuff, we are less effective and it takes longer.

So learn how to create space and avoid this busyness. It may mean a re-evaluation of what can be achieved on a daily basis. It might mean having to say “no” more to yourself or others. And it may mean you need to re-evaluate your blueprint of where you should be as part of your three-year plan. But whatever short term pain these realisations may cause you, long term your health will be the pay back.

And finally become aware of your internal dialogue and where your focus is. The environment that we create in our mind has a direct impact on how we experience the world and the choices we make. So what are the beliefs you have that aren’t serving you?

Change what you say to yourself and the stories you create to let yourself know that you are enough. Your enough-ness doesn’t depend on you solving everyone else’s problems or achieving more than your peers. (If you keep yourself in good health, maybe you will be able to do these things). But know that you don’t have to and that whatever you choose, you are ok just the way you are.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had the conversation with clients about upping the usage of “no” in their vocabulary. When people can start to practice this, it becomes one of the most important words they utter.

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