Near Enemies In Recovery

I was recently reading Brené Brown’s Atlas Of The Heart. It’s a book about the multitude of human emotions and experiences (she goes through 84 in total) and how we can identify each of them. The central thesis of the book is that the better we’re able to label emotions, the better able we are to understand ourselves and others.

The book is incredible and exposed me to many new ideas and concepts. One such idea is that of far enemies and near enemies.  

Far Enemies And Near Enemies

Far enemies are easy to spot and can be thought of as the opposite of a particular emotion. 

For example, compassion is about the concern for the suffering and misfortune of others and the wish to alleviate this suffering. So, the far enemy, or the opposite, of compassion is cruelty or brutality.

Near enemies are more difficult to spot because they can look similar to the original emotion but are not the same thing. And not only are they not the same, but they also disconnect us and separate us from experiencing anything like the original emotion.

So again, using compassion as an example, one near enemy is pity. Whereas compassion leads to a feeling of openness and connection and common humanity, pity creates a distance, objectifies and makes the person othered.

Another near enemy of compassion is despair or overwhelm. One aspect of compassion is mindfulness without over-identification. It’s the ability to see someone’s suffering while still being of support. In the case of despair and overwhelm you are instead dragged into someone’s suffering and are no longer helpful; now both of you are drowning out at sea.

Some other examples:

The near enemy of loving-kindness (the wish for the welfare and happiness of all beings) is conditional love or co-dependency. 

The near enemy of equanimity (calmness and composure; balance, non-reactive) is indifference, apathy or resignation.

The Problem With Near Enemies

What makes near enemies such a problem is that they masquerade as being the same thing as the original emotion and this isn’t so easy to notice in real life.

Because it’s one thing to see the words written down, where it’s obvious that pity isn’t the same as compassion or indifference isn’t the same as equanimity. But it’s another thing to notice this in real life.

Someone could appear unruffled and calm. They meditate and have an aura of being able to take on the world without stress or anxiety. But despite these appearances, they are actually avoiding issues that they need to be addressing.

Equanimity is about turning towards challenges and addressing them with poise. While indifference is about turning away and avoiding challenges.

This is why true self-awareness is so important.

Because it can often be challenging to spot near enemies in others: we don’t know what is truly going on in their head and about many experiences in their life.

But we do know this for ourselves.

We can know when we are truly facing up to challenges. Or when compassion has overtaken us into despair.

Maybe we don’t know this at first glance and we need to take a deeper look. Or maybe we need the support of a therapist to help us make these realisations. But we can become aware when we are experiencing a near enemy instead of the real thing.

And while the concept of near enemies is to do with emotions, it can be moved into broader areas. For example, social media is often the near enemy of genuine human connection. Or recycling is the near enemy of truly committed action to support the environment and address our disposable culture. 

I also notice a similar thing happening with the work that I do. Let me give some examples.

The Near Enemy Of Full Recovery

Most of the work I do is with eating disorder recovery. My goal is to help people reach a place of full recovery. This means they are living a life that is no longer dominated and dictated by shape, size, calories, food intake and exercise. They are living a life in alignment with their values, instead of seeing themselves as an object that needs to be shrunk and changed.

The far enemy of recovery is obvious. It is someone who is not attempting or even contemplating recovery. It’s someone who is actively embracing their eating disorder, where they are intentionally decreasing their intake or increasing their movement to further reduce their weight.

The near enemy of recovery is quasi recovery or pseudo recovery (something covered in more detail here, and here).  This is where some recovery has taken place but there are still further changes to take place.  

And like I mentioned earlier, when it is written out it can be easy to see that there is a difference between quasi recovery and full recovery. One indicates something is partially done while the other indicates it is complete.

But in real life, this can be harder to spot (at least for those with an untrained eye).

Comparison In Recovery

A big part of this is due to comparison, using how bad things were in the past as a benchmark for evaluating how good things are now.

I never used to eat this amount of food, this is so much

In the past, I wouldn’t allow myself to eat chocolate but now I do

I used to run every day of the week but now I take rest days

Previously my weight was x but it’s increased and now it’s y

My blood markers for liver enzymes are so much better than they were before

I’ve now got my period back and this had disappeared for a whole decade 

And this isn’t just something that an individual with an eating disorder does, the same can be done by their partner, family, friends, doctors, in-patient facilities and so on. The focus is on how things have improved in comparison to before.

Friends and family notice that they can now go out for brunch with them.

Their partner notices that their libido and desire for intimacy has returned.

A doctor or in-patient facility notices that some weight has increased and a goal weight amount has been reached, “proving” that they’re recovered.

But the reality is, for someone in quasi recovery, they have merely exchanged a small prison cell for one that is larger. When their life is compared to the definition of full recovery, it is obvious it falls short and that there is still further recovery to do.

There Are More Improvements On Offer

Sometimes someone genuinely mistakes quasi recovery for full recovery. They don’t understand that things can improve further because they have been advised to do “maintenance” when there is more recovery to be done. So, they believe that this is as good as it will get. 

For others, they are aware that they have put the brakes on. They are scared of making further changes and decided this is as far as they’ll take recovery.

But often, this is because they are unaware of how much further things can improve. Ironically, at a point where things could genuinely get exponentially better, they feel they’ve hit the point of diminishing returns.  

Knowing how much better full recovery is compared to quasi recovery is why I see it as a near enemy. It feels similar because things have improved, but it’s a mirage of how good things truly could be. As my client Sarah talks about here.

The Near Enemy Of Health 

Another example that comes up in my work is with health. And while I don’t have an exact term for the near enemy, let’s call it fake health. 

What I mean by fake health is when someone practices habits or behaviours that are “meant” to improve their health, but it doesn’t. Or they eat certain foods or avoid other foods because this is meant to enhance their health, but it doesn’t. Some examples:

I only eat during an 8-hour window because this is the best for autophagy and longevity

Eating carbohydrates negatively affect your blood sugar and leads to diabetes

We’re meant to eat way more than five servings of fruit and vegetables each day, that’s why they make up most of my plate whenever I eat

I’ve stopped going out to dinner with friends because restaurant food is the worst (the oils!!) and being out late interrupts me from getting to bed earlier and sleep is just so important for health

But what is interesting, is so often the clients that I see who are adhering to these kinds of behaviours, are far from healthy and things are getting worse. Even though many other people may think they eat healthily, would love their “willpower” and envy the time they put into taking care of their health, it’s not actually producing results.

The Near Enemy Of Fitness

I would also add the idea of fake fitness into this. And just like fake health, it gives the appearance of fitness but is not the same thing.

As I cover in this article, my favourite definition of fitness comes from Scott Abel. He defines fitness as “the ability to meet the demands and vicissitudes [changes] of daily life, with relative ease, with some extra energy available for emergencies or unexpected situations.”

This rarely is how a client (or society at large, I should add) thinks about fitness. Because mostly fitness is thought about as how someone looks. Or how well they can do in a particular spin class or circuits class. Or how many days a week they run. Or the number of steps that do each day.

The common factor with fake health and fake fitness is this disconnection between a particular habit or belief from the true outcome that occurs from following that habit or belief. 

Examples Of Fake Health And Fake Fitness

Someone feels healthy because they pile their plate high with vegetables. But their digestion is poor: they have painful cramps, oscillate between constipation and diarrhoea and finish meals feeling full but unsatisfied.

Someone feels fit because they can crush it at a spin class. Or they can go out and do a long run. But outside of these times of exercise, they feel utterly exhausted and are struggling to cope with the demands of life.

Someone feels healthy because they only eat foods that are organic and minimally processed. But they completely lack the psychological flexibility to deviate from their plan; eating outside of the norm causes a similar body-wide reaction as if they were put in a room full of snakes. 

Someone feels fit because of their exercise habits, but actually, on the days they exercise it messes with their sleep and they are awake for large chunks of the night. Or they get headaches in the afternoon every time they exercise in the morning. 

Someone feels healthy because they are counting their carbs and don’t go over a particular amount of carb grams at each meal and for each day. But their concentration and memory are degrading and they are mentally sluggish.   

Someone feels fit because they can exercise every day. But if they do take days off, this is when they start getting pain, swelling and stiffness. And the panic and anxiety that taking time off generates are off the charts. 

The Outcome Is What Is Most Important 

Yes, someone can point to some science about why something is “healthy”. Or to someone online who has followed this way and it’s improved their health and fitness.

But the reality is that it is not generating this as an outcome for them. While habits and behaviours are often used as a proxy for health and fitness, they are not the same thing. If it’s not translating into improved health or improved fitness, then it isn’t truly helping.

When doing some reading about near enemies I was reminded of the proverb “the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

And whether we’re talking about quasi recovery or attempts at getting “healthier” or “fitter,” there is good intent with the choices someone is making. But this intention or feeling that one is taking care of themselves is also part of the reason a near enemy can masquerade as the real thing.

Would You Like Help?

So much of the work I do with clients is helping them to break through the illusions of a near enemy. To help them see how things could be better and what are the ways to make this a reality. 

Some of this is about education and some of it is about perceptual shifts (like looking at how much better things could be, instead of comparing to the past and how bad things were before).

But often this isn’t about more information or intentional changes in cognition. It’s about the state that the body is in and that this is obscuring awareness.

For someone to see the near enemy, they have to take action and do so repeatedly. When this is done enough, this leads to changes in physiology. And these changes allow the near enemy to become visible. 

I’m a leading expert and advocate for full recovery. I’ve been working with clients for over 15 years and understand what needs to happen to recover.

I truly believe that you can reach a place where the eating disorder is a thing of the past and I want to help you get there. If you want to fully recover and drastically increase the quality of your life, I’d love to help.

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