Pushing Past What’s Acceptable

There are many incorrect beliefs when it comes to dealing with issues around food, body and exercise. Things like:

• I’ll deal with my body image first and then I’ll go out into the world
• I don’t want to keep thinking about food, so I’m ignoring these thoughts, hoping for them to eventually go away
• Once I get my eating under control, then I’ll reduce my exercise
• I’ll lose some weight first, have a buffer, and then I’ll start recovery

(I actually touch on these ideas and more in this article)

Another common fallacy is the belief in slow and steady. That small, even tiny, incremental changes are best. That the mind can’t take too much at once and it needs to adjust to each small change or else it will be overwhelmed. 

I would like to put forward an argument for why this isn’t true. Or at least explain why it’s important to have points of significant change. Where you go past a point that you believe is possible and acceptable.

The Golden Ticket

When I speak to clients, they will typically have an idea in mind of what would be the perfect way to recover.

For nearly everyone, it would involve no weight gain. They want to get out of the eating disorder that they are in, but they want their weight to stay the same.

Now alongside weight staying the same, what happens with food intake can roughly be split into two categories.

For some people, they desire the ability to eat huge amounts of food. All the foods that they dream of and constantly think about. But it would be done so with impunity; no matter how much they consume, their weight would stay the same.*

For others, they want their hunger to drop off a cliff. They want to get through the day consuming little or no food. Or if they could take a pill instead of eating, all the better.

And while they are consuming this meagre amount of food, all the thoughts, cravings and desires would disappear. Their weight would stay the same because their impulse for eating would evaporate.

As lovely as the fantasy of the golden ticket may sound, it’s not a reality. This is not what recovery looks like. 

[*As a side note: Being able to eat lots of food and not put on weight isn’t the golden ticket for recovery that you may think it is.

Because without the weight gain, recovery doesn’t happen. You are stuck in the same headspace, where the fear and the food thoughts are still present. But you’re now just aghast that you are eating more and more.

And fearing that someday soon, it’s all going to change. That the weight gain is just around the corner, it’s going to come piling on and then you’re stuck with this enormous appetite.

I’ve worked with several clients like this and it’s not the golden ticket you may imagine. More generally, this kind of thinking is something I cover in this article.]

Rules and Acceptability

One of the hallmarks of an eating disorder is the rules that come to govern your life. These can be closely connected to what we think of as the eating disorder, so rules about types of food, the timing of food, or amounts of walking or exercise.

But it can also be rules that feel disconnected to the eating disorder. So, rules about spending money, hoarding non-food items, or work productivity.

Whether conscious or unconscious, these rules tell you what is and isn’t acceptable. 

In some senses, the goal of recovery is increasing the size of the “acceptable” category.

Previously it was unacceptable to eat breakfast; through repeatedly having breakfast it has now become acceptable.

Previously it was unacceptable to have a day off exercise; by regularly having days off each week or by having several months of doing no exercise at all, having time off exercise is now acceptable.

Previously it was unacceptable to have foods that were high in calories; by consciously including chocolate, ice cream and pancakes and doing so repeatedly, high-calorie foods have now become acceptable.

Truly Letting Go 

Constantly increasing the acceptable category is what recovery is about. At first, you do something and it feels wrong or strange; then with enough time, it because normalised.

But at some point, for most clients, they knock up against something that isn’t just a little bit unacceptable, it completely pushes them out of their comfort zone. It’s like a line they believe they can never cross.  

What I have found is that for most clients, even when making changes that are scary, they are still holding on to some belief about what recovery can look like. They can see that the golden ticket is a fantasy, but there is some other hope that they have in mind. 

They hate gaining weight, but there is some point that is just too much

The extreme hunger is torture, but there is some amount of food that is too high

They can eat fast food, but not if they are also taking time off exercise

They can increase what they’re eating, but there is no way they can eat meat

These are rules that feel different to the others. Some rules are ok to break, while others are a hard no. 

But what I have found time and time again, is that when these “hard no” rules are broken, this is what leads to true liberation. These clients are finally able to let go.

While still in the acceptable range, you have reasons for keeping up with the disordered behaviours. You’re still in control (or at least that’s how it feels). To actively make a change, like eating more or exercising less, that leads to crossing this line feels like a huge transgression.

And this means that the focus isn’t on full recovery as much as it’s on not taking it too far or overdoing it. So, you’ll make changes, but you’re always aware of the line.  

But when you do finally cross this line, you are no longer holding onto anything. Your focus isn’t about how to stay inside some box, because you’ve now burst out of it. 

If I’ve already gone past x weight, then who cares if I gain more. Now I just want to fully recover and be done with this.

I’ve eaten more than I ever thought possible and yet I’m still hungry. I can’t fight this anymore and just have to let my body do what it’s going to do.

I’ve stopped exercising and I’m eating at McDonald’s. I never, ever thought I would do this; I’ll now do whatever I have to for recovery.

I’ve gone to a restaurant and ordered a steak. Up until a month ago, I hadn’t eaten meat in over a decade. There is nothing now that will stop my recovery.

I understand that you may be reading the above sentences and thinking “I want none of that.” That what I’m describing is your worst nightmare and the reason you are putting off starting recovery or you’re doing it tentatively.  

But as strange as this may sound, reaching this place is incredibly liberating. In fact, I’d go so far to say that crossing some line that you thought you’d never be able to cross is a necessary step as part of recovery.

It changes your very belief about who you are and what you’re capable of. And this kind of ontological shock or reshaping of your worldview is exactly what is needed to break free of the eating disorder.

Past this point, full recovery is simply a matter of time. It’s no longer the ordeal that it was before. This isn’t to say that you can’t have an unintentional relapse after this point, you certainly can. But recovery isn’t being hampered by your reluctance or fear to make a change; you’ve passed through this point. 

Getting Stuck In Quasi Recovery

I’ve written much about quasi recovery (here and here) and a past client has talked about what pushing past it looks like.

From what I have seen, the reason people get stuck is because of everything I have talked about in this article. You were able to make some changes and things have improved. You can recognise that things aren’t as good as you’d like them to be. You know that more can be achieved.

But you’re now getting close to some line you are scared to cross. You are still in an acceptable place. Or at least you haven’t fully hit the unacceptable place you dread. 

So, you shut up shop on making further changes and stay put. It might not be as good as it can get but at least you can still cling to what’s acceptable.

Whenever I start working with a client, I’m very upfront about the things I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen with their weight. I don’t know how much food they’ll need to eat. I don’t know how long it will take.

For those who make it to a place of full recovery, they’re able to do so by learning to be ok with these unknowns. They can see and experience that acceptance and surrender to these unknowns are more valuable than staying as they are.

This doesn’t happen on day one and there is plenty of ambivalence about the process. But there is always a critical point, where they knock up against some rule or line that they believed was an impasse.

And yet they cross over it and live to see the light of day; stronger and liberated in a way they didn’t know was possible.

Would You Like Help?

I regularly work with individuals who are stuck in this place. 

Maybe this stuck-ness occurs while we’re working together and we find a way for them to push through. 

While for others, this is the reason they reach out. They hit a wall months or years ago and recovery ground to a halt. But now they’ve had enough of being in this prison and they need help to push through and get out.

I’m a leading expert and advocate for full recovery. I’ve been working with clients for over 15 years and understand what needs to happen to recover.

I truly believe that you can reach a place where the eating disorder is a thing of the past and I want to help you get there. If you want to fully recover and drastically increase the quality of your life, I’d love to help.

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