Acceptance

I was recently reflecting on some of the traits that are important for recovery. I’ve been seeing clients for nearly 15 years now and so have a lot of past and current clients to base this assessment on. 

One of the traits that immediately came to mind is acceptance. Interestingly, it was also a topic that came up multiple times in my interview with Elisa Oras. So I thought it could be useful to explore what acceptance is and some of the ways it’s needed in recovery. 

What Does Acceptance Mean?

Acceptance means allowing without struggling or resistance.

It can be allowing thoughts and feelings to come to mind without judgement or frustration that they have arisen.

It can also be allowing certain physical changes to take place, like weight gain, without the need to make adjustments to curtail this change. 

Acceptance is about being in touch with the reality of the situation without attempting to change it or protest it. So, accepting that this is what recovery is like, rather than getting swept up in how you feel it should be.

Acceptance Doesn’t Mean Liking 

So much of recovery is uncomfortable; seeing and experiencing changes you’d ultimately wish weren’t happening. But while you can be aware of an alternate reality that you’d much prefer, acceptance is knowing that this alternative doesn’t exist for you and therefore surrendering to what is occurring is the way forward.

I might not like the weight gain, but I can accept that this is what the body needs to do to recover

I might not like the extreme hunger and amount of food I’m now eating, but I can accept that the body knows what it is doing and this is necessary for recovery

I might not like taking time off exercise, but I accept that this energy could be used for repair and that I need to learn how to be still even when it’s challenging

I might not like how long recovery is taking, but I accept that I have no control over the pace and it’s going to take however long it’s going to take

Acceptance Is Admitting You Were Wrong 

Acceptance can also be about accepting that you are or were wrong. In my conversation with Elisa, this occurred several times throughout her recovery.  

Elisa’s initial reason for making changes to her diet was to eat in a way to be healthier and improve her skin. For years these changes lead to restriction and getting into an energy-depleted state. It led to orthorexia and an obsession with purity. And it led to bulimia.

Acceptance, therefore, meant realising that the way she was attempting to be healthier wasn’t leading to improved health. That she was wrong about what a healthy diet looked like.

Elisa really wanted to recover. In much of the content she started to read, she was persuaded to believe that the hyper palatability of food was the problem. That the reason she was having binge episodes was that she was eating modern food and our brains aren’t wired to eat this way.

But when she followed this advice and ate raw foods, her issues didn’t improve. They got worse. 

Again, this was about accepting that she was wrong. That despite believing that eating in this way would be her solution, it wasn’t. 

Elisa also commented that once she’s stopped purging via vomiting, she started exercising more. She believed that exercise was healthy and didn’t think there was anything problematic with it.

But at some point, she came across new information. She discovered that there can be many different forms of purging with bulimia and that exercise can be one such form. She also discovered that the energy she was using for exercise could instead be used to fuel her recovery.

Elisa accepted that her prior beliefs and conception of exercise were wrong and promptly stopped doing so until her body had repaired. 

Acceptance Is Needed For Self-Compassion 

Dr Kristen Neff is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research and is someone whose work I regularly share with clients. She defines self-compassion as having three main characteristics:

1. Self-Kindness instead of Self-Judgement – recognising that we are imperfect, will make mistakes and go through difficult experiences. And that in these moments, we need to treat ourselves with kindness
2. Common Humanity instead of Isolation – recognising that suffering is part of being human and is a shared experience, not something that is only happening to you
3. Mindfulness instead of Over-Identification – recognising how our thoughts and feelings actually are, so they are not suppressed nor exaggerated

When I read through these three characteristics of self-compassion, acceptance is crucial.

If you can’t accept that you’re imperfect and mistakes are inevitable, or the messiness of who you are and that this is normal for all humans, or that certain undesirable thoughts and feelings are going to naturally arise, you can’t be self-compassionate.

And it should be noted that self-compassion isn’t some nice-to-have trait, it’s fundamentally important for recovery. As Josie Gellar talks about in this episode, one’s ability to be self-compassionate is a predictor of recovery. 

The good news is that self-compassion is a learnable skill. And from the work I have done on this with clients, acceptance is at the heart of it.

Conditional Versus Unconditional Acceptance

Another stumbling block can be the fullness to which acceptance is given; namely conditional acceptance versus unconditional acceptance.

It’s common for a threshold to exist where something goes from being acceptable to unacceptable. Things like weight gain, amount of food, reduction in movement, eating in front of others, or taking time off can all be examples.

Some line is crossed and acceptance seemingly disappears because acceptance was given only up to a certain point.

Often this struggle with unconditional acceptance is for external reasons, like because of the opinion of other people (or often, the supposed opinions of other people).

For many clients, they feel unable to start recovery because they feel they don’t look sick enough. They don’t feel like their body matches up to the stereotype of what someone with an eating disorder looks like. Or it did, but at this point in recovery, they feel it no longer does.

So, they struggle with acceptance because they believe that they’ll simply be viewed as letting themselves go.

Or they’re often told by others that they wish they could have their willpower or their discipline. That they wish they could say no to the birthday cake that everyone in the office is eating. Or that they could be out walking every single day, whatever the weather.

So, they struggle with accepting that this thing can be a problem if other people see it as a virtue and are envious of their resolve. 

In Elisa’s case, her whole friends’ network, socialising and identity were about being a raw foodist. If she was to recover, it would mean walking away from all this. This wasn’t just the supposed opinion of other people; it was the actual opinion of nearly everyone in her friend’s circle. 

But despite the challenges, she did it. She accepted the reality of the situation and that if she wanted to get better, this was what she needed to do.

Acceptance Is About Doing, Not Thinking

And this point, of Elisa taking action and making choices in service of her recovery, is super important.

Because it can be easy to think of acceptance as a mental or cognitive thing. That, if we think about it enough, if we weigh up the pros and cons, if we tap into our rational side, we’ll finally reach a place of acceptance.

But I’d like to suggest that acceptance should be thought of as a verb instead of a noun; it’s about doing. I recently heard the quote “people don’t think their way into acting differently, they act their way into thinking differently” and I believe it perfectly sums up acceptance.

You don’t reach a point of acceptance and then go out and make your changes. Acceptance is the by-product of acting in new ways that lead to a shift in how you see yourself and the world around you. This is not just true for acceptance, but many aspects of recovery, like dealing with anxiety.  

Do You Need Help With Acceptance?

The form that acceptance takes can look different over time. 

Initially, it can often look a lot like resignation, which is the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. A begrudging acceptance.

But with time, this flourishes into appreciation. The focus shifts from undesirability to gratitude, as you notice the benefits you’re now reaping from the changes you’ve made.  

As I mentioned at the top, I believe that acceptance is one of the most important traits for recovery. This doesn’t mean there can’t be ambivalence, because this is a normal part of all change processes and of being a human being. But to make full recovery a reality, acceptance is crucial.

If you’re struggling with acceptance, I’d love to help. And this is the case whether it feels like acceptance is preventing recovery from even starting. Or you’ve reached a block, are stuck in quasi recovery and are struggling to accept the further changes that need to occur.

You can click here to register for a free initial chat, where we can talk about what’s going on and you can find out more about what working together would look like. I want you to get to a place of full recovery and would love to support you through this process. 

I truly hope that you’ve found this article helpful. I wish you all the best with your recovery.