Have you ever noticed that you’re better at solving other people’s problems than your own? 

Typically, this is because you feel less emotionally invested and can see others’ problems more objectively.

Sometimes, it even appears so straightforward that it’s hard to imagine why it’s even an issue for that person.

But when it’s our problem, it feels different. It’s so much bigger, messier, and more complicated. Our own problems are always the “extra challenging ones.”

It would be easier if…

Over the years of helping clients, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard “recovery would be so much easier if…” followed by some change in the client’s circumstance. 

Clients have typically read recovery journeys of other people. And while they are inspired, there are also reasons why it was easier for that other person. And if they too could be in that situation, recovery would be more attainable.

Let me give you some examples

These are all things I’ve heard from clients on multiple occasions.

“Work makes recovery so much more difficult. I have to see everyone in the office each day. I know they must be noticing that my body has changed and thinking that I have let myself go. Work just takes up too much time. It would be so much easier if I could just simply take a sabbatical and focus 100% on my recovery.”

“Recovery would be so much easier if I was single. My partner met me at my lowest weight, what are they going to think when I get bigger? And now I’m eating so much more food, I often eat more than they do! Recovery is so much easier when you’re on your own.”

“My appetite is huge; I’m like a bottomless pit. It feels like this is never going to stop, does it ever stop? How can a body need this much food? Recovery would be so much easier if I didn’t have this insatiable hunger.”

“I feel like I’m blowing up. This weight gain is just so intense, how can I be gaining so quickly? If this is what it’s like now, what’s it going to be like a month from now? Or a year from now? Recovery would be so much easier if I weren’t gaining so quickly.” 

“It’s so tough doing this while also being a mum. My kids have known how I’ve eaten for so long, and now it’s all changed. They keep noticing the new foods I’m eating. I’m now actually eating more than them, and it’s never been that way! Recovery would be so much easier without kids.”

The other side of the coin

But what’s interesting, and why I’m bringing this all up, is how often I hear the exact opposite from clients whose circumstances are different.

For example:

“I wish I was working. It’s so hard to have structure in my life without it. There’s nothing to stop me from exercising or thinking about food. My days just feel like this constant barrage of ED thoughts. I wish I had a job; it would make recovery so much easier.”

“It’s so tough doing this on my own. I wish I had a partner who could help me with it. Someone I could eat meals with; someone who would keep me accountable and push me when I need it. And someone to comfort me when it’s all too much. Recovery would be so much easier if I weren’t single and on my own.”

“I just struggle to eat. I have so little appetite. And then when I do get hungry, I’m full almost as soon as I start eating. I know I need to eat to get better, but I feel full 24/7 and like I’m choking down every meal. Recovery would be so much easier if I were hungry all the time.”

“Why is the weight gain so slow? Clothes are feeling tighter, but considering all the food I’m eating, it’s just not budging. It’s so unfair that I have to eat so much, and it’s not increasing like I thought it would. It feels like this is just going to go on forever. When will this stop? Recovery would be so much easier if I could just hurry up and put on weight so this could be over and done with.”

 “It’s so hard eating on my own all the time. Whenever I’m with my sister’s kids eating is so much easier. Kids are the most natural intuitive eaters and I need to see that and be reminded of how to eat constantly. Recovery would be so much easier if I had kids.”

We aren’t very good at perspective-taking 

Now, if you’re at one end of the spectrum – say you’re hungry all the time, and the weight gain has been quick – it may feel like I’ve made up the opposite example. How could it be any different? And if it was, how would that really be a struggle, it sounds easy.

But every one of these examples are utterances that clients have made and are experiences they’ve had. And while it may seem bizarre that this could feel like a struggle for them, it is.

Now, there are times when having some change in circumstance would genuinely make recovery easier. Once in a while, I hear a client’s explanation, and I agree entirely that this is making it harder for them.

But with the majority of people, it only feels like it would be easier. If they were indeed in the alternate scenario, they would realise that it’s just as difficult, but for other reasons. 

Muddling through the messiness

Recovery, like so much of life, is imperfect and unfair. We are rarely starting from the best possible place with the perfect set of resources in place.

Like life, we are winging it. We are making the best of a bad situation. We are muddling through and trying to figure out what is the least terrible option.

As clients typically discover, recovery is so much more than they think it is. Yes, it is about making changes to eating, exercising, and how they think about their body. But so much of this is actually surface-level stuff.

Life isn’t suddenly solved because you now know how to feed yourself. This part is mostly a distraction; once you get past this, the real work begins with figuring out how to be a human in this messiness of life.

And a big part of this is acceptance (something I cover in more detail here). Acceptance doesn’t mean liking; it means embracing without resistance. It’s dealing with the facts, no matter how unfair they may be.

Why is this important?

For so many people I speak to, the “recovery would be easier…” thinking is a barrier to even starting recovery. They are waiting for the conditions to be different somehow. Years or decades on, they are still waiting. 

Or they do start, but within a short time, they don’t like the direction it’s going. Recovery doesn’t look or feel how they would like it to. So they stop and they are back “feeling safe” but just as stuck as ever. And this is where they stay. 

If this sounds like you, I’d love to help. Getting started and navigating these roadblocks is a big part of the work I do – which includes helping clients with the acceptance piece and facing up to the reality of the situation.

Recovery is scary and challenging.

I’m a leading expert and advocate for full recovery. I’ve been working with clients for over 15 years and understand what needs to happen to recover.

I truly believe that you can reach a place where the eating disorder is a thing of the past and I want to help you get there. If you want to fully recover and drastically increase the quality of your life, I’d love to help.

Want to get a FREE online course created specifically for those wanting full recovery? Discover the first 5 steps to take in your eating disorder recovery. This course shows you how to take action and the exact step-by-step process. To get instant access, click the button below.