Recently, I found I was having the same conversation with a bunch of different clients. And I thought that if they are all asking this question, then there are probably many other people also struggling with it.

So the conversation revolved around the question:

“How do I deal with what other people will think of me?”

Now this question is often asked in connection with some change that the client is currently going through. 

Often, it arises because they’ve gained weight. As part of their recovery, they are now heavier. And to them, it feels like it’s the only thing other people are going to notice.

It can also be asked in connection to changes in the type of food someone is eating.

Within their friends’ group, they are known as the “healthy one” and they have a long list of foods that they don’t eat. They only eat at specific restaurants and when they do, they often order “off menu” or pick an item and make countless amendments.

How can they now order a burger or a cupcake or whatever they are genuinely craving at that moment? What are people going to think?

The question is also asked when clients are contemplating cutting down on exercise. What will their friends at the gym say if they are no longer coming to the boot camp classes? How can they explain why they are now only doing restorative yoga?

Is it really about other people’s thoughts?

We are social creatures and so we care what other people think of us. We want to feel that we’re liked. And often we feel that part of the reason people like us is because of the way we look, our identity in the group or the activities that we participate in with them.

But interestingly, what I’ve found is when people ask, “how do I deal with what other people will think of me?” it’s mostly NOT about other people. It’s about what they think of themselves. 

When this question comes up, I ask clients to reflect on other areas of their life. Can they think of areas in their life that run counter to social norms? Certain behaviours that they do or decisions they’ve made that buck the trend of what they apparently “should” do? And where they are happy with these choices?

The response is typically: “yes!”

One client said that she is fairly heavily covered in tattoos. And while tattoos aren’t the taboo adornment they used to be, she feels that her body ink isn’t in keeping with the “feminine” and “lady-like” expectations that are placed on women. 

Another client commented that she is bookish and introverted. When they go on extended family holidays and many of the women are chatting together, she will often sit alone and read her books, something she’s done since being a small child.

A different client mentioned that she doesn’t diet anymore. When people at work are talking about diets, she just ignores the conversation. She even said that she thinks people must be looking at her and thinking that she should diet, but she doesn’t.

A final client mentioned that she doesn’t believe in God. She lives in an area in the US where religion is a big deal and is a regular part of people’s lives, but she is an atheist.

With each of these clients, there is an area of their life where they’re already living in a way that challenges the norms. And so I ask them how are they are able to do this? What’s the difference between this area of their life versus this new point of struggle where they are worried about what other people will think?

The answer?

Their personal beliefs are what make the difference.

The person who is covered in tattoos likes the art she has put on her body. She did it for herself, not for anyone else, so who cares what other people think.

The bookish client isn’t secretly aching to be the gregarious life and soul of the party. She loves spending her time reading and likes this part of herself.

The non-dieting client dieted for many decades; she is now convinced that it doesn’t work for her. Regardless of what others think, she knows that it’s not her right path.     

The atheist client is comfortable in her beliefs. While she’s not the “Militant Atheist” that Richard Dawkins has implored her to be, she feels firm in her belief and doesn’t worry about what it says about her.

When we go back and analyse their more current quandary and I ask “well how do you feel about your weight / changing the foods you eat / cutting down on exercise” their feelings are basically identical to those of the “other people” they are so worried about.

And so is it really about what “other people” think or is it really about what they think?

It’s not all sunshine and unicorns.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to think that other people aren’t judging or thinking things in their head or even saying something to the client. We live in a society that is fat phobic with very mixed up views about what it means to be “healthy”.

And it’s true that the further someone has moved along the continuum, away from what society deems they “should” be doing, the more challenging it is. It’s tough for them to hold views about themselves that run counter to everything they’re seeing and being told by society.

So the point isn’t that this is all in their head and that they’re making it up. The point is that there are other areas in their life where, even if people are thinking negatively about them or even making comments, they simply don’t care.

How can you think differently?

So the final piece of this conversation with clients is to have them imagine someone in their exact same situation. Someone who is their weight or is making changes to their food or exercise in the manner that they are.

I ask if they could imagine someone going through all this who felt differently about it? Who was happy about these changes? Or at the very least, neutral about them? Typically the answer is yes.

So what are these people doing that makes them ok with it?

What are they saying to themselves?

What story or narrative are they attaching to these changes? What meaning are they giving it?

What other support are they using to deal with this situation?

How is their approach different from what the client is currently doing?

We compile a list. And often, surprisingly to the client, this list isn’t about changing “other people’s” mind; it’s about changing what’s going on in their own head. 

Sure, there may be a discussion about what to say or how to handle specific interactions with people. But the goal with these engagements isn’t about how to change this other person’s mind, but rather how the client can feel better about how this situation went.

This is a far simpler job. If I had the choice between changing my own thoughts versus changing the thoughts of every person walking this planet, I know which one feels more doable.

(And this isn’t to say we shouldn’t be trying to change the beliefs of the whole world, in many areas, this is of vital importance. But the order of priority has to be to change yourself first.)

So the next time you are struggling with the question “what will other people think” first check in and see what you actually think. Because I’d bet the majority of times when this question is being asked, it’s because what is being labelled as “the views of other people” are the same as your own.

Would You Like Help?

I regularly work with individuals who are stuck in this place. Feeling trapped because they can’t help being worried about what other people will think. Is this your experience?

I’m a leading expert and advocate for full recovery. I’ve been working with clients for over 15 years and understand what needs to happen to recover.

I truly believe that you can reach a place where the eating disorder is a thing of the past and I want to help you get there. If you want to fully recover and drastically increase the quality of your life, I’d love to help.

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