Why Is Change So Hard?

Making a change should be easy. At least on paper, that’s how it can appear.

You find out all the reasons why recovery would improve your life. Or you learn that by stopping some habit, you can increase your happiness.

This information gathering process leads you to believe that change is a good idea and the obvious thing to do. So you decide you’re going to do it. 

But then…nothing much happens. Despite all the fantastic reasons for change, you keep doing what you’ve always done.

Now, there are a number of reasons why this can happen and one of the big ones is ambivalence.

Ambivalence

Ambivalence is a state of having mixed feelings. It’s the ability to hold two contradictory ideas about something at the same time.

Yes, you can come up with a list of all the reasons to make a change. But equally, you can compile an argument for why change isn’t good and that you should stay as you are.

This is completely normal. Change is hard (and harder than most anticipate) because ambivalence is normally present whenever you decide to make a change. 

And typically, this doesn’t completely go away. Your desire for change will wax and wane. One day you are so motivated and excited by it; you can’t wait for your new life.

The next day, it’s gone. Like a bad one-night-stand, who snuck out while you were sleeping, you wake to discover that the intense desire for change has now disappeared.

So given all this, what then leads to actual change? If it’s so hard, what separates those that make it from those that stay stuck? Let me give my perspective based on working with clients for over a decade.

Not all of these will apply in all situations, but they are some of the most powerful drivers of change.

“I’m Over Living Like This!”

To realise you want to change means that you’re noticing some drawbacks to the current situation. That what you are (or aren’t) doing is creating an impediment to your life in some way.

Change is difficult, so it typically occurs when the pain of changing is seen as less than the pain of staying the same.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, ambivalence will always be present; there will always be arguments for and against. But typically change happens when there are more and more arguments in favour of change.

Interestingly, this is only loosely linked to the reality of the situation.

For one person, their breaking point and decision to change comes very early on, when it’s only caused a minor impact on their life.

While for someone else, their “rock bottom” comes many points after where most people would have sought change.

The narratives we tell ourselves about our life, our worth, what we deserve, and what we should put up with all impact this. But change typically occurs when we see that staying the same is causing more damage than whatever pain we must go through for the change to occur.

You Can Believe In Better

Crucial to the above idea is the belief that change is possible. Without this, nothing happens. It doesn’t matter how bad someone’s current situation is, if they believe change is an impossibility, they begrudgingly accept it.

Often there is an intermediate belief about the possibility. You believe that others can change, but you can’t. So it’s not that change is impossible, just impossible for you.

So for change to get traction and even be considered as something worth doing, there has to be a belief that change is possible and it is possible for you.

Embracing Reality And Overcoming Magical Thinking

Part of the difficulty with change is accepting the reality of what the change process will look like. And where you may end up after the change has occurred.

Because no matter how dire a situation is, there are benefits from staying put. As I often say, people keep their problems for a reason.

So, what can keep you stuck is a difficulty accepting what this change really means. Because often you are happy to change, but only if x, y, and z will also occur. Basically, change, but with only the upside.

I can’t fault people for this kind of thinking. This is what so much of the health industry is built upon.

With this one food, watch body fat melt away…

I can help you to recover in a way that means you won’t have to put on any weight.

This is the diet you’ve been waiting for and by following the simple food lists, you’ll be able to reverse your autoimmune disease.    

It’s the proverbial having your cake and eating it too. And it stops change in its tracks because you continue to try option after option, hoping for something that delivers all the benefits but without the pain.

Patience falls into this category. Often you are on the right path, it just takes time. But because results are expected sooner, you may jump ship and try something else before enough time has passed for it to work. 

It’s difficult to get enough of something that almost works. And so many options feel like they should work or they work for some short amount of time, so you keep retrying options from the past, hoping that this time will be different.

As long as you are stuck in this mentality, real change is unlikely.

But with time, and with enough rounds of trying dead-end options, you can start to embrace the reality of the situation and see through the magical thinking.

And when this happens, you can finally commit to change without bailing at the first sign of struggle or constantly thinking there’s a better way just waiting for you around the corner.

Seeking Support

As I have described, change is often harder than one may imagine and it’s therefore beneficial to have support.  

Sometimes this is because you need the expertise or skills that someone has to help you overcome the issue. But often, it’s more about finding support that allows you to make the change because you already have the ability in you.

When I first started as a practitioner, my focus was very much on becoming the expert. It was this idea that people are coming to me for the answers. I would then give them the map and then they would simply follow it.

With time (and through experience), I’ve changed my mind on this. Yes, expertise and knowledge are important. But actually, they are only part of it.

I now see my role as a guide, kind of like a tour guide. I help people to see the things they want to see. I can make suggestions and offer up ideas of places to venture, but if someone isn’t interested in visiting, it’s not up to me to drag them there simply because I think it’s important.

As a practitioner, my job is to help people make changes. But I can’t do it for you.

And this is where the concept of ambivalence comes up again.

Clients can create lists that are “pro” and “against” change. And the more I argue for the “pro” side, the more they try and bring balance to the situation by raising all the objections. Because this is how ambivalence works.

So my goal is to elicit change talk from the client and for them to be pro-change.

The same is then true of the planning process. They are pro-change, but what is the first step to make this work? This decision is a collaborative one. Because again, if I try and suggest something that I think is best but the client is against it, then ambivalence sets in and my “brilliant” idea doesn’t get put into action.

There’s a mantra that I’ve been repeating lately, which is “it’s more important to be effective than right”. The best way to do something is the way that actually leads to change, not the one that is best in theory.

Navigating Through Change

Change isn’t easy but it is doable. And knowing that it’s not easy up front actually improves things.

Understanding that ambivalence is a natural part of the change process can also help. Rather than thinking “I just must not want it” anytime there’s a struggle, you realise that this is normal and a usual part of the process. 

If you are wanting to make a change and you’d like support in doing so, I’d love to help.

I’m a leading expert and advocate for full recovery. I’ve been working with clients for over 15 years and understand what needs to happen to recover.

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